So, here’s a situation where you want to tell your lover that you are totally bored with sex-specifically, the sex you have when you’re with them. You may (or may not) actually reach orgasm, but you don’t get excited anymore thinking about being with them. Your sexual activity has become predictable, average, feels like maintenance, and more often than not-TOO BRIEF!!
You want more. Maybe try new things. Include new accoutrements (toys, fabrics, food, people) or make memories in new places. Whatever it is you want to explore, you want to do it with them. So you have to figure out a way to say it that doesn’t make them dry or shrivel up, get defensive, walk way, or shut it down completely. This isn’t supposed to be a break up…just a step up.
So what do you do?
*You like the person-it could be your husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, friend with benefits, booty call, casual partner…whomever.
*You want to maintain the sexual relationship;
*You want to try more and/or different things with them (as opposed to someone else)
*This is a quality issue, not a quantity issue-that’s another situation topic.
I want you. And with you I want to explore more sexually. I want to take our climax to new levels. I know that we have yet to reach our sexual potential.
SAMPLE WORDS & PHRASES
*You make me want more.
*What if I tell you that you make me want to do very naughty things?
*I have a surprise for you.
*Are you up for trying something new?
*Tell me about a fantasy you’ve yet to try.
*If you tell me a sexy secret, I’ll tell you one right back.
*I feel like I haven’t tapped in to my passionate and raw side. Come with me.
*I want to feel your breath on the back of my neck, even after you’ve long gone.
*I’m ready. You ready? Ready to go there. You know where. Whisper it in my ear.
*Do not use words that place blame
*Do not create ultimatums
*The automatic response is for the recipient to take it personally. And rightly so, and make you have to defend yourself-thus getting off topic.
*Do not say, “I’m bored.”
*They may not be as experienced.
*They may be shy; you may be shy.
*Old baggage around sex.
*Fear of rejection.
*Work a lot; tired.
*You’ve gotten so familiar with each other and comfortable that sex is no longer a priority.
*You both aren’t keeping you’re A-game up with each other.
*In person (after a couple of drinks…to keep the automatic defense reaction at a minimum)
SAMPLE DELIVERY METHODS:
*A gift in a box, with a handwritten note. For example, “I have a surprise for you” written note (not typed) in a box as a gift, lying on top of silk scarf.
*Voice note (like a text) with the Blackberry
*As a whisper in the ear over dinner, while driving…or any place that’s not home to build up anticipation.
The key in the delivery method is to keep it intimate. You want to create intrigue and stimulate desire.
WHAT TO EXPECT:
*This is not a situation that can be fixed over night.
*It takes consistent (soft and sexy) suggestions to shift the expectations
*Perhaps resistance at first; but if demonstrate that this is not a unilateral criticism, and that you want to step it up with them (and them only-unless you both decide you want to invite a guest or two)
*You may be making all the effort for change in the beginning. It doesn’t mean that the person doesn’t want change…just may have a more difficult time initiating the change.
*Hopefully eventually…AMAZING SEX!!!
THOUGHTS FROM DR. MIKYTA DAUGHERTY, PhD
Given the fact that you’re the one who wants more from your partner, you have the uncomfortable task of making your needs known in a non-threatening way. This is the hard part because everyone is a bit self-conscious when it comes to their sexual abilities and thus, anything you say is likely to feel a little threatening. They may become sullen or defensive when presented with the hard news that they’re not cutting it in bed. Expect it and treat it with compassion. The key is to emphasize your confidence in their ability to meet your needs. Offer your vulnerability and invite them to join. Show them what you’d like. If skill is the problem, there’s plenty to find on the internet and in Barnes and Nobles. Buy some books and read them aloud. Watch videos with each other. Make it fun and something you do together. Make it a game where the goal isn’t to win but to have fun – you’re on the same team.
Also, keep in mind that some people have been mistreated sexually. There may be problems that have nothing to do with you. Either way, if your partner does not respond the way you’d like, don’t take it personally. If you hit this hard, their insecurity should be short lived.
Remember, patience, compassion and modeling. Be the change you want to see.